???? Year Itch
So things have gotten ridiculous.

Giving an estimate of the actual time would not be conducive to sanity, but let's just say it's been awhile since I did the deed.  I know what you're thinking.  How could a hedonist like myself ever have gone this long without sex?  Complicated, and like most complicated things, very simple.  I could spout a lot of platitudes about getting hurt and shutting down, or bad self image, but this is bullshit.  Fear.  Fear is the answer, my friends.

I LOATHE commitment.  At the same time, I can't be a total slut.  Hopping from one bed to the next, while sounding delicious, is not something I am emotionally equipped to handle.  Don't get me wrong, I've done my fair share of floozying, but I think I could want something more.  Should we want something more?

It begs the question, are all of us cut out for more?  I mean, take my best friend.  One long term, monogamous relationship after another.  She is a veritable cornucopia of commitment.  She has no problem investing herself in a deep meaningful relationship.  I, on the other hand, am lucky if I get past the first date.  I'm past the "Is there something wrong with me?" thing, but what if it's true?  What if some of us just don't exude the commitment pheromone?

This is where fear comes in.  Fear of not being the 'relationship' guy.  Fear of finding the guy for the relationship, and him not being that guy.  Fear that we won't like the same fucking china pattern.   In the writing, I think I found my answer.  Fear is the expectation of what will happen.  We're so busy projecting what, by all accounts of our friends' examples, should happen in our relationships, that we forget that every time you look at someone across a crowded room, make love, or eat take out, it's the first time.  Every time you kiss someones ear, or wake up before them, or smoke cigars together, it's the first time.

If you look at it that way, commitment doesn't seem so bad.